It’s not you, wait; actually it is #10

So, it’s been 36 days I’ve been sober. It’s been almost 2 months since I’ve been drunk. I have developed new friendships with a great mentor. I have spent thousands of dollars and countless hours with a therapist. I have given up time with friends, time at the gym, time alone, trying to work on this situation. Trying to save my marriage. And I have finally come to determine. It’s not me, it’s Her. 

I am not saying my issues didn’t contribute to our situation, not at all. If anything, I have been overly critical of my actions and taken too much blame for everything. But, I am moving on from that. I am determining, my happiness, my wellbeing, my future is not determined by her, but by me. And the most important part of ensuring all of that is to surround myself with people who build me up, want to see me succeed, want to see me happy and fulfilled. And I am realizing that isn’t her. 

She had dinner with her mom the other night. I am extremely close to her parents, so much so that they say I’m more of a son to them than any of their other kids. They have always been so supportive and encouraging for me. We have had amazing experiences as a family. I am trueky blessed to have them in my life. But she said, she needed to talk to her mom bc they needed to show that she was their number 1. She needed them to be parents. Not grandparents first. Not worry about me more than they worry about her. Which would make sense, but that also means she is making people pick sides. She still sees a her side and my side. She is still playing the victim of abuse. 

Let’s be clear. She has been abused. By multiple people. Including me. I physically touched her by pulling her hair once, over a year ago, after she punched me. I have been verbally bashing. I have said hateful things. But that was a very long time ago, with the one exception. So how long is this going to be her go to? Seems like forever to me. 

I realized talking with her last night, she has been non-emotional toward me for a very long time. This wasn’t about the fight before we went to Colorado in Feb, this wasn’t about me getting drunk and exploding in March, trying to get a reaction from her. This was way before that. Back when I was trying to tell her she was working too much, spending all of her weekends away at work. Trying to tell her we needed her at home more. Trying to get her to understand the kids were struggling because she was never around. And it hit me. She has been emotionally disconnected from this relationship for 6 months, maybe even before then. Maybe even last year. How long has she not been there for me? 

She says it’s because for years I have not been there for her. I’ve been mean and an asshole. Yea, there have been times that is true. I haven’t been the best husband ever. But I’ve never claimed that. But she is equally at fault. By picking work and whatever else she has going on, she is picking to not put our marriage first. And that is very telling. Thru all of this, she isn’t wearing her wedding ring. I have asked her to, she won’t. I have worn mine, then stopped to tell her I’m not wearing mine until she wears hers. Doesn’t change it. I am wearing it again to show, regardless of how she feels, I am trying to show I am married and committeed to her. Doesn’t matter. 

She won’t take any small steps to show she is trying or committed to me. She says, “but I get up and have coffee with you.” Yup, and try and sleep. “Well I make your lunch for the day.” Yea, you do. “I let you sleep in bed now.” Well it’s my fucking bed and house too, I’ve given you way too much power in that. That will be coming to an end. 

I’ve reached a point where I can openly look back over the past months and years. She resents me. She hates where her life is. She wants a perfect marriage. She sees her parents and thinks it’s always been great. They did a great job shielding her from any of their issues. Mind you, they were our age now when they got married. There was a different level of maturity. But she wants a storybook tale, and isn’t willing to put forth the effort to try and make it one. She would rather spend her time and effort on work, then the kids. Maybe a little with me. But that’s it. And I deserve someone who will invest that time and energy in a different order. 

I can honestly say, I am not happy anymore. I’m not scared of what will happen if we split up. I will be in a deep hole, but I’m already there. I will be able to get out of this hole because I will depend more on myself, have my kids as motivation, and begin to move on. Maybe someday, I will try again with someone else. I know she will, even though she says she won’t right now. She is so insecure she needs someone to puke compliments at her, not challenge her, and put her on a pedistal. I’m over that. I can do it for a while, but I want respect and love and friendship back. It’s not going to happen from her. 

So I am going to end this journey soon, it’s not going anywhere I want to go. I need to think of this as a marathon. I have come out of this in a sprint. I’m wearing out. So I need a breather, reset my course, and realize I need to save my energy for when I see the end goal, which is much farther away than I figured. Because I’ve been running after her this whole time, but in the wrong direction.

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