Going, going; Gone? #9

So this is a slight change for me. But maybe it isn’t. Maybe it’s just the natural progression. I’m beginning to wonder if this is all going in the direction I haven’t wanted it to go. I’m beginning to wonder if it’s all sliding away from me, if it’s coming to the end. 

So I have been sober for 27 days. Sober without a drink. I had 2 beers the night of March 29. I drank 2 days before that at golf. Had 4 beers. Not drunk, but drank. I haven’t been drunk for 38 days. These are big steps in my life. I have noticed big changes as well. I feel physically better than I have in a while, aside from the chronic feeling of being nauseated from stress. I am less short tempered with my kids. I am less angry overall. And I have a feeling of accomplishment. I still feel embarrassed some around friends who drink, like I have a disease, which I do, that I can’t control, which I can, and that I’m weaker than them, which I’m not. Actually, I’m seeing myself as stronger than I have imagined because I am finding ways to survive in situations where I used to enjoy alcohol. Which is also strange for me, because I deep down have lacked confidence in myself for as long as I can remember. 

Which is a good thing, kinda. It’s also showing me that I deserve to be happy. I deserve the things I have worked for. I deserve the fruits of my labor. I have overcome difficult situations that I was born into, grew up in, and have found success, and happiness. I have surrounded myself with successful friends who have great families, like I have also built. 

For so long, I felt inferior to these friends. Jealousy was a huge part of me. I was jealous of their success, their happiness, their loving relationships. I was too negative toward my own, not realizing I had all of that, and more in some cases. But realizing what they have does not effect me. It’s easy to see it when other people are envious of you, but it’s harder to realize it when you are the one full of envy. 

So here I sit. Wondering if I am pushing in the right direction. Wondering if I’m doing the right thing. Maybe I’m looking at this all wrong. Maybe I have been the whole time. Maybe my focus on committement isn’t in the right place. I have always been committeed to trying to make other people happy, sometimes at my own expense. I realized I felt great making others feel good. I gave a lot of me for others. Hell, its part of my job. Giving of my time, nights, weekends, holidays, time w my family and kids, for the sake of others. It’s part of it. 

But maybe my committement needs to be toward me. And toward my kids. Focusing on making me great, making myself happy, making sure I enjoy what I have. And leaving the rest behind. Leaving the people who drag me down far far away. That will mean some people I call friends now. And that may include “Her.” 

Yup, “Shes” back. Actually “she” has never really left. she has come thru a couple times, during long conversations, but “She” is the normal, “She” is the constant. And “She” isn’t nice, or loving, or kind. I know she is still needing protection, from the past hurt and pain. she brings me so much happiness and love, and joy I have never experienced before. That’s why I married her. But I’m not sure she will ever come back. 

So that’s why I am still lost, broken, feeling like a mental fat ass. But not as often. I am feeling stronger, happier, and enjoying my kids more. Which is huge. And I deserve it. They deserve a happy dad. Especially as they start to go thru teenage year. And I think the best for them would be to live in a happy family and intact family unit. But, I am actually considering the but. 

See, “She” won’t be happy. “She” won’t let me happy. “She” is always angry, especially at me. “She” is physically avoiding me. “She” won’t be there to support me. “She” won’t let us succeed like we could as a family. “She” wants to see change in me before “she” can feel safe. Now “Her” concern is I won’t give her enough time to take baby steps to work thru this. 

And “she” is right. “She” hurts me with rejection every day. It’s shitting on my snowcone. It’s taking the wind from my sails. Every thing I work on to improve is becoming tarnished by “Her” attitude and ambivalence toward the situation. 

One thing I want to touch in is my sex life. For the entire marriage, sex has been an issue. It started hot and heavy, constant. “she” was loving and affectionate. “she” constantly was showing love thru physical connection. As with any marriage, it slows. But this was different. It became control for “her/Her.” “She” always had a place in the sexual relationship. It’s from “her/Her” past. But “she/She” has always resented me asking for “more”. I don’t need more. I need to feel wanted. I need build up. I need spontaneous actions. I need feeling like my wants are important. “She” says I’m sexually addicted. Like I have to have it or I get pissed, disconnected, and distant. There are times that is correct. But it’s not in the matter of days, but weeks, sometimes a month. Sometimes it’s not because we don’t have sex, but because it feels forced, like an action that has to be done but doesn’t want to be done. It’s not having wishes met. It’s not being sensual. There is a difference between being sexual and sensual. Being sensual to me means being open to the needs of the partner. Meaning, I love a good kiss. I love kissing. “She/she” doesn’t. I love showers together, “she/She” doesn’t. I love being seduced. Another nope. When we have emotional sex, it’s amazing. But otherwise, it’s a physical act. I get the leftovers of the day. Then there isn’t any emotion left to give. And it’s not big things I’m looking for. I want the buildup. I want the text saying “I can’t wait to see you at home. I just want to be with you.”  I don’t need dirty talk, lude photos, aggressive behavior, kinky actions or attire. I just need to know that during the day, you think of me. That I am wanted. That you want to share something with me you don’t share with anyone else. 

And for years, this has been an issue. I want to feel safe in my bed. That I can explore my physical and emotional needs with my partner. And “She” controls that. Yes there have been times it has been more in my control, but mostly, it has not been. When it is, I’m scared and nervous, afraid of doing the wrong thing, saying the wrong thing, because “She” has snapped at me before. “She” has stopped and made it obvious “She” was taking over. So, invalidated is what frequently comes to mind when it comes to discussions of sex. 

I understand baggage. I have some. Okay, so there are going to be some things I will never get from “her/Her,” but I can deal with that more if “she’ll” meet more in the middle than just “Her” side. 

So like I said, maybe this journey is in the wrong direction. Maybe “She” was right and there are multiple ways this ends. Maybe it ends with me walking away, to find my happiness and success, and not focusing on everyone else’s. Maybe I’ve earned that. 

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