Broken #8

I have become a broken man. It started when I was a child. Coming from a failed marriage, I’ve had struggles: but I survived. I have wounds, cuts and scars, but I survived. It helped mold me into what I am today. While it’s not perfect, it is why I am the way I am. 

I am outgoing, looking to impress people, trying to gain their affection. I had to do this, I had to try and please people. It was because the adults around me were always stressed. They were dealing with a divorce, being a single mother, an estranged father getting a week here or there with his son. Grandparents who rarely saw me and stressed about the issues of their child. A stepdad trying to gain my love and trust. So I grew up around stress, and tries to impress them w my actions to gain love. I still do this. 

I’m funny. I deflect stress by trying to make jokes. I don’t like a high pressure environment. Not saying I can’t handle it, I just don’t enjoy it. I’d rather make a joke and lighten the mood and still get stuff done. I prefer a laugh to a moment of awkward silence. 

I’m loving. I love feeling love, I love being in love. I love showing others I love them, and feeling that in return. 

I know I am not perfect. But I am not evil either. I desire to be needed, appreciated, validated. Like my opinion matters. And I have worked for my entire life to achieve goals, status, and relationships that epitomize that. And now I’m broken. 

For all the success I’ve had, I am currently left with just failure. Failure in a relationship that matters the most. A failure in my wife’s eyes. A personal failure because of that. And it’s broken me. 

Like I was a wild stallion, only more like a quarter horse, not much to be won over. But she has taken the things in me and made some of them better. She has challenged me to become things I didn’t think I could do. She has shown me love I never imagine feeling. And she has broken me. 

See, like her, I have a past. I have issues that happened long ago that creep into who I am now. She has them as well. I have asked about them, we have talked about them. I try and avoid them. While I’m not always great at this, I honestly try. I avoid the sexual confrontations that cause her issues. I am there in the middle of the night when she has nightmares. I never blame her for these directly, although I probably get frustrated indirectly. But I honestly try. 

My major issues are, insecurity, trust, abandonment, needing to feel validated, and needing to feel love. She knows all of these. She pointed a lot of them out to me. But she also works against me with these. 

The obvious one. She resents sex with me. She feels like it’s always the issue. No matter how much, I will always want more. I use sex to show her how much I love her. She may not like this, but it’s how I’m wired as a guy. I don’t need sex constantly. I need to feel wanted. I need to feel like some days she can’t keep her hands off me. I need to feel like she is willing to focus on my needs more than her own. That some days she just wants to make me happy. I try that every day. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for her, to show her I love her. That isn’t focused on sexual stuff, I just mean in general. And I want to be able to explore with her. I’ve had 1 serious relationship aside from her. It was the same. Someone else in control. Sorry man, it’s when I want to do this. Yea, cool I get you have ideas and feelings, but this is my control thing. 

Validation. I know this also ties into sex, I want my feelings to be validated. But my feelings aside from sex as well. Stuff about the house, our schedule, our kids. When she is stressed, she stretches for more control. It ends up being micromanaging. Maybe I put something away in the wrong place, maybe I forgot to start the dishwasher. But I cleaned the whole house, did so much you didn’t ask, and you only notice the 2 things I forgot? Or hey, look at this article, it’s funny, or it’s about marriage and exactly where we are, here’s a song/video that’s about us. Whatever. No response. Couple days later, “hey what did you think about that?” Oh I never saw it, etc. Obviously didn’t register on her give-a-shit meter. But she comments on 12 other things I can see on Facebook. Glad that’s more important. 

Trust and abandonment. Well, these are tough, they stem directly from my youth. I can’t fix these alone. I need help with these. She broke my trust years ago, and I do fine w it overall, except when I was drunk. If she maybe followed thru some on the other stuff, maybe I’d trust her more. But again, I need to work thru this with a professional obviously. And I’ve always felt like people were going to leave me. It’s the nature of me. Again, I need council on this. It’s not normal to think everyone is going to abandon me. 

This ties in directly to insecurity. So often, she has corrected me, undermined me, questioned why I’m going this way, doing it like this, try this instead, or “Here, just let me do it.” I’m all about equality in thoughts and ideas. I know women are as smart, smarter than guys, me. But I’m not stupid. I am all let’s talk about this and see what’s best. But don’t take over, just abandon my work or ideas. I’m a guy. I need praise. I need to know I contribute to this relationship, in a positive way. 

Look, it comes down to this. She’s independent. She can survive without me. She will be just as successful and achieve as much alone as with me. The part I struggle with is if I’m holding her back. Are there things she can’t achieve just because I’m around? I know I am not able to be as successful without her around. She builds me up, makes me a better man. She also wears me down. But overall, it’s more of a buildup, but not right now. 

Right now, it’s just wearing down, more and more. There is minimal positive, constant wearing down of my psyche. No physical. Almost 3 months of no physical. And I’m tired. Tired of the stress, of not sleeping, of fighting. Of feeling like a failure, feeling like I’m fighting for a lost cause, like hope it lost. Amazing that I wrote a post over a week ago saying the same thing. And after another week worth of “working” on this, the major point she addresses, you didn’t make an appointment with your counselor. Yea it’s important thing to do, but totally discounts all of the things I have done. Again, look at what you haven’t done for us, for me. 

So, I’m lost. Or maybe, I’ve lost. 

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