Well, here goes nothing.
I am writing this blog as therapy for me. Sometimes I find writing is helpful because I just get to word vomit and not be interrupted. And right now, I need therapy from myself. This blog will probably never be read by anyone, that’s okay. Again, this is for me and helping me thru my demons I am struggling with.
So here is my story. I’m a middle aged white guy, seemingly successful. 6 figure income, highly successful health care career, married almost 10 years to an equally successful wife, 2 amazing girls. Live in a great neighborhood in Midwest suburbia, country club membership, dogs, kids sports, and overall a life many would dream of. And I’m throwing it all away. It’s slipping away faster than a fat kid on a soap lubbed slip and slide going downhill.
I’m an emotional alcoholic. And I’m just now realizing it. And it may be, probably is, too late to salvage what I have spent my entire life building.
The reasons are many, my childhood, my relationships, my parents, and family history. As a medical person, you would think I could have identified this. But we are natorius for being terrible patients. And I couldn’t see the forest thru the trees.
Drinking for me became social. Mildly my senior year of high school, moderately in college. Then I began using it more and more to cope with stressors of school, clinical work, relationships.
This progressed during my 20’s, I could drink w buddies, family, my wife. We drank to have fun. Fun drunk sex. And we drank to forget our past. Only I never forgot my past, my hurts, my pain. And every time I would get black out drunk, when I used to be fun, I was now angry. I was back to the pain, abandonment, anguish. Even thinking about it now hurts. Makes my heart race. And I explode. I used to say “I used to explode” but I realize, I still explode. If I go home tonight, have a couple (8) crown and diets, i would explode. I have a sharp tongue. You’ve hurt me so I will cut you with my tongue. That’s how I roll.
So, for 10 years, my wife put up with this. We would fight at first. The last 5 years, I have had half a dozen outburst. Last year, I was screaming at her in the car. She punched me right in the mouth. I deserved it. I stand 6″ taller than her, athletic and strong. I had almost 100lbs on her. And I grabbed her hair and told her never to touch me again. And she stayed. I don’t know why. But she said never again. And I haven’t touched her in anger since. But a month ago, things were rocky, both busy w the kids and our careers. And she pissed me off. And I got drunk “at” her. Because talking hasn’t got thru to her. She was already emotionally gone.
So there I was, probably 10 beers, 8 crowns deep. And my filter was off. And my “courage” came up. I’m gonna tell her how much she’s hurt me. I’m gonna show her the wrongs she’s done to me. And I snapped.
I’m not sure all the hate I spewed. I’m sure it was vial. I’m sure I made my point, again. This time, she would see what she’s done to corrode my soul. She’s the one to blame. And I’m leaving. Im packing my overnight bag, grabbing my gun, and driving off. I’m gone.
And she sat there, the one to held my hand after surgery, who vowed till death do us part, who beared our 2 angles, who trusted me with her darkest corners of her past, who told me to keep going when I was dead tired from rotations, saying she loved me and thank you for doing this for our family, she just sat there. Not crying this time. She knew it wasn’t “Me” yelling. It was this evil, nasty, angry person, who take over when I drink. And she said, “I love you, I will always love you. But this isn’t safe. Please, for you, for your kids, go downstairs, sleep this off. But if you leave, this is over. And there is no chance of coming back.”
Not “I hate you.” Or “fuck you, you stupid asshole.” No rebuttals or arguements. See, even in my darkest place, she was there for me. And I was too drunk to see it.
So, here I sit. A month later, sleep deprived, restless, angry at myself. Starting to make a walk I never thought I would be on. Realizing I may be too late. But like she said, she can’t promise anything, she won’t promise anything. But she loves me, and always will. And I ask for her help thru this, which is crazy and selfish I know, but she says she already is. Going with me to my councilor, praying for me, and mostly, not kicking me out, or leaving. So I got that going for me.
This isn’t the beginning of some “you can do it if I did it” blog. This is a way for me to word vomit and keep myself grounded on where I was at a certain time. So I can make myself see, I’m moving forward or backward.
So my goals for today.
Find joy in every day
Give her personal space
Be happy around my kids
Because I need to work on me, to try and get my family back to the place I have promised them I would take them. And it’s definitely not down this hole.